Have you ever woken up to the sound of an air horn? Did you open your eyes to see a tall individual standing over you wearing diapers? Didn’t think so, that would be weird right? Well that’s the way I woke up this morning and it’s because my roommate is the devil in human form. This creature has no soul, nor does it have a name. Well, it has a name but I won’t mention it in this article. It doesn’t take the traditional form of the devil with horns and a pitchfork nor does it wear a cool suit and have a suave attitude like Ray Wise from that show Reaper. However make no mistake this is Satan. Anyways back to this morning. Me: “Dude, what the fuck?” Satan: “Check out my Depends dude, you can piss and shit in them and they won’t leak!” As little droplets of piss begin to dribble to the floor in front of my bed, I begin to wonder how I got myself into this situation. Me: “Look’s like they’re working.” “Thanks for pissing on the floor.” As I stumble to the bathroom to relieve myself like a normal person, I notice a pungent scent emanating from the bathroom. Already knowing what lay beyond the door I make a detour for the other bathroom. This shit happens everyday- no pun intended. Some advice to anyone reading this article, never ever share a room with another person. This is something I have had to find out the hard way and feel it necessary to impart this wisdom to you. It’s been almost a year living in the same room as Satan, something I’m not necessarily proud of, but it makes a good story. Satan’s exploits aren’t reserved solely to the room though. The kitchen is full of leftovers courtesy of you know who. It has gotten to the point where attempting to mask the smell of death with Febreze no longer makes a difference. The front yard is torn up from “sick jump sessions” on his stupid fucking mountain bike. You can’t take Satan to parties either. The other week we went to a house party and Satan spots a girl across the room. Satan: “Hey dude watch this.” Satan approaches the first victim of the night. “Excuse me but there’s been a death in the family.” Girl listens attentively with a concerned look on her face. Satan: “My dick died; can I bury it in your ass?” The girl gives Satan a blank stare and then looks at me to confirm what just happened. I shake my head and wonder the same thing. Satan: “What, you don’t like jokes?” Social awkwardness is Satan’s signature. Any normal situation can be destroyed when he speaks. Strangely Satan pulls a girl every once and a while. There have been two so far this year but I only count the most current because the first was a black hooker Satan picked up on El Cajon Boulevard. Satan’s new squeeze looks a lot like Sarah Jessica Parker, which means she looks like a foot. Thank you Family Guy. When foot-face comes over it means that I get locked out of the room for four hours so they can dry hump each other to death. As infuriating as this is, it’s pretty funny at the same time. Recalling the first and last “Big” party we had at our house, Satan’s actions doomed us from the beginning. My birthday party should have been an evening full of booze, girls, and debauchery. And it was, but follow me here. Satan however felt it necessary to test out the new subwoofer. According to the police the noise could be heard a least a mile away. I call bullshit but what can you do. As I stumble outside into the cluster-fuck that was once my party, I find two cops and one roommate but no Satan. After dealing with the cops, thankfully receiving a warning, Satan appears out of nowhere to brownnose. “I’m so sorry officer.” “I’m so sorry” and on and on and on. The cop actually looked at me with annoyance or maybe he was hinting at me to shut Satan up. Satan had apparently hopped the fence in his own back yard, walked around the block and returned just as the cops were leaving. Thanks Satan. There is however a way to defeat this evil and I have found the key. This goes for anyone you know who is an attention whore. If you ignore them they will drive themselves insane, which is the funniest shit ever. The retribution I get against Satan is satisfying, especially when foot-face isn’t around. My roommate is the bane of my existence but there is always a way to conquer evil.
